Then so can I! Reading Ed’s past Thanksgiving column, I decided to post one I wrote in 2003. Hope y’all enjoy it.
Doug Hagin 11-24-03
Thanksgiving! It means so many things. Turkey, giving thanks, turkey, football, more turkey, time spent with family eating turkey, reflecting on the blessings in our lives and of course Maalox moments from all the turkey.
This most American holiday has so many wonderful traditions, yet many people have genuine difficulties during this day. Many of the traditions of Thanksgiving surely must be disturbing to certain Liberals.
Surely this day must cause great offenses to those afflicted with perpetual offendeditis. So before we partake in our feasts let us take a somewhat sarcastic look at what Thanksgiving might mean to some way out Leftists.
First off, naturally, must be the animal rights types who surely suffer great consternation during Thanksgiving. I mean come on! Thanksgiving is much to do with people, whom animal rights types loathe, eating animals, which these same animal rights types love.
Now of course no one with any decency supports cruelty to animals but in the real world the most important jobs turkeys have is to be on the table in time for Thanksgiving. To most people this makes perfect sense. But to a PETA member this is blasphemous!
So every Thanksgiving animal rights types weep and gnash their teeth and curse all of us who eat these birds. While the rest of America is trying to justify that third piece of pecan pie while trying to stay awake for the Cowboys game, the PETA members are munching carrot sticks and crying for their departed turkey brothers. Now is this any way to enjoy a holiday?
Then of course there are the radical feminists who must also surely despise this holiday. Think about your typical stone-faced, perpetually angry, radical feminist and what they must surely suffer on this day.
They must endure women cooking meals. Feminists hate such stereotypical roles for women. The mere thought of women anywhere near a kitchen probably makes most feminists break out in hives.
So remember your favorite feminists as you enjoy your meal. Think of the anguish they must endure when they imagine women in kitchens, maybe even wearing aprons, cooking for their husbands, and families.
Any good feminist will tell you this is no more than slavery and certainly abusive and demeaning to women everywhere. No matter if the women doing the cooking really enjoy it. Feminists know what should offend women. And cooking for men is at the top of that list!
But wait, there is a double whammy for feminists on Thanksgiving. There is also football on TV. And football is a game played by and watched by men. And surely any sport enjoyed by so many men must be offensive to any feminist worth her salt. Not to mention the presence of cheerleaders at football games. More sexism and exploitation there! Pity the feminists on Thanksgiving.
Then there are the atheists who must really be irritated during this day. Not only do they suffer through a day when people are supposed to be thankful to God, who according to atheists does not exist, but also Thanksgiving marks the beginning the Christmas season.
And surely we have learned by now that Hell hath no fury like an atheist who hears the word God! Of course it might seem atheists are simply making too big a deal over their perceived offense.
Honestly it is pretty simple, if they do not believe in God, then why do they get upset when others do? I mean my uncle Earl thinks pro wrestling is real. Does not offend me. If atheists wish to believe there is no such thing as God then fine with me.
But many atheists seem to have been bitten by the offendeditis bug. So whenever they hear the word God, they go off on a tangent. Ranting and raving about separation of church and state, and grave threats to our Republic, sexism, racism, and any other ism they can make up. It is really entertaining if you can stand the hollering.
And the worst part for them is they know the days ahead will mean Christmas carols, manger scenes, Christmas trees, and many other symbols and traditions celebrating the birth of Jesus, who they also do not believe in.
And all the stress these poor, poor, non-believes must endure starts on Thanksgiving! So just imagine the angst they are feeling.
But perhaps there is a solution to all these folks problems. Why not get them all together on Thanksgiving? They can console each other while eating carrot sticks, burning bras, and ranting and raving about separation of church and state.
Anyway at least they would be out of our hair for one day. Heck, they might even see how silly they were being and finally relax. Now this would be yet another thing to be thankful for.
© Doug Hagin