OK, two days ago, I posted a video Yesterday, I began to explain why this song is so meaningful. Today, I finish the story. I ended that last post talking about my friend, who I had come to adore, like a daughter. A friend I thought the world of. a friend who leaned on me, who shared her dreams, and frustrations with me. A friend that I trusted with my friendship, the first person in ten years I really trusted with my heart. In September, 2010, we were closer than ever, we talked nearly every day, and she, always made a point when she came to work, to come say hi, hug me, and chat a bit, I did like wise when I left work. As I explained yesterday, had developed an emotional attachment with this kid like no other i had ever had with maybe anyone.
I remember the day before I left on my vacation to Colorado. She told me she would miss me, and that work would, in her words “suck” without me around for two weeks. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. We texted each other during my trip, and when I came home, everything went back to normal. A couple of weeks later, we went out for my birthday, went the Dallas Aquarium, had lunch, shopped a bit, it was a great day.
Then, over the next week, she stopped returning tetxs, no big deal, not like her but, no big deal as I said. Then came October 12. Like lots of days I was leaving work as she arrived, as always I was looking forward to seeing her. The kid made my heart smile each time I saw her, I was so proud of her, and thought that I might not ever have a daughter, but I had come close with this kid. But, something had changed, I went up to her, as usual, put my arm around her, and instead of returning the hug, she jerked away, giving me a look of disgust. I asked her what was wrong, she said she was just really tired, bad day, you know. Again, not that big a deal, but I took note that while she seemed to not want anything to do with me, she seemed OK with other people at work. The next day, another odd look, and some cold treatment. Hmmm, I was puzzled, but I decided I would just talk to her the next day, ask her what the deal was, and we would be fine. I certainly was not going to get mad or think the worst.
That next day, I sent her a text, told her I had a question for her, and she had never come to work and not hugged me, said hi as I was leaving. Until that day. She avoided me, and went upstairs without speaking to me. Now I knew there was a problem, so I sent her a text, asked if I had done something to upset her. No response, so the next day comes, same thing, avoiding me. What the Hell? So, I went to her, asked her if we were OK, she said sure, but she acted like she wanted to be as far away from me as possible. So, I asked her to talk to me, something was wrong, obviously, and she said “I have just been talking to a lot of different people lately and…” She stopped there, not finishing the thought. I waited, then asked “and?” She would only say ” I am just not talking to a lot of people right now”. This made no sense, this was my buddy, the sweet kid who always made the time to say hi, and who had shared so much with me.
Over the next few weeks, I tried to talk to her and she would talk, but was obviously did not want to. And if I did not approach her, she ignored me completely. Finally, I told her we had to talk, that I really was hurting, and missed her and our friendship,. Her response was silence, nothing. I told her that if she needs time fine, I would not pressure her, and we would talk when she was ready. The next three weeks, we did not talk. I kept waiting, and waiting, and nothing. She simply acted as if I did not exist. My heart was breaking, I was losing my closest friend, and had no idea why. So, after three weeks, I sent her a text, told her that I, at the very least deserved an explanation. I explained that I was hurting, miserable, and that I was not angry, I just wanted to talk and fix whatever was wrong. Two more weeks, and nothing.
I was pretty depressed by now. I went out every night, doing anything not to think about her, and of course, all I did was think about her. I felt guilty, like I had failed her somehow. Sure I knew, at least my head did, that I had done nothing, and even if I had, she should at least try to tell me what was going on. I waited every day when she came to work, waited for her to come talk, or just come hug me, but, nothing. I was absolutely lost, I felt like part of me was gone, I was on the verge of breaking down several times. Nothing in my life had ever hurt like this.
Then, it is two weeks till Christmas, a Friday, I had to try one more time. So, I texted her a pic of my niece, and asked her if that would by her forgiveness. I then approached her and asked her if it had worked, no response. It was over, somehow, I had lost the very person, that had made me believe in friendship again. My head knew this, and had known for weeks by this time. My heart though, at least what was left of it, had to try once more. So, I made the best heartfelt speech I could. I told her, I had one thing to say, and then, I would not bug her again. I told her that I was so sorry, that I had obviously done something to upset or hurt her. I told her I had done everything I knew to do, and that I was absolutely miserable. I told her she had done nothing to even try to talk it out. Then I told her something I had never told her before. I told her I absolutely adored her, that in ways she was like a daughter to me, and finally, I said the last words I ever will likely say to her. I said Shataria, I love you kid, I do, but I do not deserve this, and you know that, I did not deserve this at all. I turned, I walked away and let the rest of my heart shatter.
So, why did I feel the need to write this? Not sure, over time my heart is healing, Maybe I figure it will heal faster if I share this. I will always hurt when I see her at some level I guess. And there are some times I still tear up a bit over her. Maybe I always will. I am bitter at her, although I do not really want to be. The friendship is gone, I could never trust her again, I know that. I will never figure that kid out. She hurt me, and went about doing it in the most cruel fashion possible. She knew I was crazy about her, she knew I was hurting, she heard me beg her to just talk to me, and said nothing. I had to deal with guilt, although I had nothing to feel guilty over. But when someone you admire so much, and who has given you every indication that they admire and love you too just stops speaking to you, well, you cannot help but feel guilty.
I have been in love, and had my heart broken, but this hurt so much worse than those times. That kid was so special to me. I wanted to see her live her dreams, I wanted to walk her down the aisle one day, her dad was not really in her life, and nothing would have made me happier than to see how beautiful she was on her wedding day. Yeah, I guess that is corny huh? But such is life.
So, finally, how has this song helped me heal? Well, when we were friends, she made me want to be the best person I could be, as I said she had a major impact on my life. So, the part of this song that talks about finding a reason to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new. Those words were how I felt about her she had inspired me to believe in friendship, she had made me able to reach out, and trust. Funny, she would also be the person that would hurt me so badly. Again, I will never know why, and I will always have the hole she left in my heart. But, now, the song still reminds me to be a better person, not to quit, not to stop trusting or having friends. Oddly enough, I still want to be a better person, because of Shataria. Only now, I want to be the best I can be in spite of the emotional devastation she caused me.
Now one more time the song that has helped heal my heart