To My Good Friend Doug Hagin…

FUCK YOU! …and I mean that with all due respect, in a spirit of brotherhood and camaraderie.

You can take your SEC hierarchy and shove it where the Big 12 don’t shine, beeotch!

I know you’re a Gators fan – as am I – but let’s not delude ourselves into thinking that Florida is headed to the championship game this season… it’s not, so that leaves one of three (at this point) teams to root for.

ONE is Georgia, which is the only team that beat Florida this year and is, I’m guessing, not on your “happy list” to win it all this time around.

TWO is Alabama, which has exhibited a high-scoring offense against mostly pussy teams that have largely inadequate defensive postures. And frankly, it’s own defense is overrated… just ask “Johnny Football”.

And THREE is Notre Dame, which has only slightly better-than-average offensive skills overall, yet exhibits flashes of brilliance in that regard, and possesses a defensive squad that SHUTS THE DOOR in a way that most college teams can’t begin to comprehend.

What saddens me the most about your recent rhetoric concerning a potential Notre Dame v. Alabama championship is that you ASSume the team least favored to win by the mindless masses will, in fact, lose, even though such a team – The Irish – SHOULD be your team of choice.

Why? Because they’re the underdogs, Doug, and because they represent Irishmen everywhere who don’t know the meaning of the word QUIT.

Now, I know what some people will say about that. “Hey, just because they call themselves the Fighting Irish doesn’t mean they represent all Irish people!”

To these critics all I can say is this: suck my bagpipes!

Despite your protestations to the contrary, Hagin is an essentially Irish name. You may have several Scots in your family tree, but is there some other nationality more closely related to the Scots than the Irish? I think not, and unless you have some deep-seated love for the state of Alabama, why on Earth would you even consider writing encouraging words on behalf of the only college football team named for a recurring sea plague?

Furthermore, you and I are underdogs as well, brother, just like this season’s Notre Dame football team is. We’re the expected losers that most people write off from the start, yet still we persevere. The Fighting Irish – like you and I – have experienced painful losses in recent times, yet none of us have shriveled in despair and abandoned our quest for the ultimate prize.

I ask you now to stand with me and my favored Fighting Irish of Notre Dame football team against the tyranny of popular perception and the true evil that is the Crimson Tide. If you are so willing, I will commend you as a man of honor – an IRISH man of honor… with some Scottish in him – and speak highly of you to my friends and family hereafter.

However, if you should decline to do so, well then… as I wrote in the opening of this missive, FUCK YOU!

By any means, I’ll still love you like a brother… only a teensy-weensy bit less.

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