By Edward L. Daley
Madam Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:
The Constitution says I have to give this speech, so here goes…
This isn’t a very good time for our country. I know this because angry poor people keep writing me letters every day. Plus my poll numbers are in the tank, which means that even the poor people who voted for me are PO’ed. But hey, it’s not my fault, and besides, things aren’t as bad today as they were during the Civil War and the Great Depression.
Still, I signed up for this gig, so I’d better at least pretend to take some responsibility for the way things are going, even though Bush is really to blame.
The American people are upset because Republicans and Democrats can’t get along, and while that too isn’t my fault, I did kinda promise to end all the bickering in Washington and actually hold the government accountable for its screw-ups. I also promised transparency, and although what I meant by that was exposing the flaws of everyone who disagrees with me and then publicly mocking them, some folks may have thought I was talking about making my own administration more open and responsive to the will of the electorate.
So here’s what I intend to do… basically the same unpopular stuff I’ve been doing since day one. You know, things like bailing out the very people who caused all our economic problems in the first place with massive amounts of taxpayer dollars, and then demonizing them for taking the money. I also intend to keep preaching to the choir about how much better poor folks will feel once we start punishing the people they envy most with crippling taxes, even while declaring what a big tax cutter I am.
Oh, and did I mention that I saved 2 million jobs by spending a trillion bucks that America doesn’t even have? I did, and even if the unemployment rate goes up by another 40 percent or so, like it did last year, my administration is on track to claim yet another million or more jobs saved by this time next January. All I need to do to accomplish this feat is spend a lot more tax dollars this year.
Furthermore, I don’t see why we can’t be like Europe, and spend countless billions of dollars on things like high speed trains that nobody rides, or on various other “green energy” schemes that will dramatically raise the costs of home heating and electricity for everyone, while simultaneously putting millions of people in the oil, coal and natural gas industries out of work. Just think of all the new government jobs we could create-or-save by inventing new regulatory offices to deal specifically with companies that produce solar panels and windmills.
I keep hearing about the so-called “economic expansion” of the last decade, but I don’t remember President Bush ever claiming that he saved a single American job.
You know, countries such as China aren’t satisfied with being second-rate like the US is. In fact, the Chinese have been investing in all sorts of fancy clean energy technologies lately, which should be clear to anyone who’s ever been to Beijing.
Now, I understand that I made a lot of people nervous during the last campaign season when I said I intended to bankrupt the coal industry with a massive tax on greenhouse gas emissions, but you people elected me anyway, so it’s a little too late to complain about ‘Cap and Trade’ now.
I’d also like to see American companies exporting more goods overseas, so a couple of my czars dreamed up something called the ‘National Export Initiative.’ I’m not real sure how it’s supposed to work, since our manufacturing base has pretty much hit the skids, but I do know it has something to do with South Korea, Panama and Colombia. Uh… I guess I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Anyway, I want to take a moment now to talk about education reform. I think we ought to reward achievement and punish failure in our education system. Accountability for our teachers and incentives for our students is the key to creating better public schools. I know that George W. Bush had the exact same philosophy and intentions when he implemented ‘No Child Left Behind,’ and like everything else he did at the time, I ridiculed him for it. But that’s old news, and like I always say, it’s time to forget about the policies of the past and focus on the future.
I suppose I’d better say something about healthcare reform now, or I’ll have to spend the next month explaining to MSNBC why I ignored the issue. I just don’t understand why most people can’t appreciate how much better our health care system would be if it were run by smart people like Harry Reid instead of doctors. I suppose it doesn’t matter much, though… again, you folks elected me, and it’s not my fault you’ve suddenly developed buyer’s remorse, so I’m gonna keep talking about the wonders of socialized medicine until the day I leave office.
And now back to our fiscal crisis. Did I mention that it’s all Bush’s fault? It is, but now that you’ve got me running the show, things are going to be different. Okay, so maybe not this year, but I promise that next year we’re really gonna start looking at the possibility of not spending so much of your money. I’m even thinking of setting up a commission to explain to me how I might go about spending less, while still paying for all the ridiculously expensive government programs I intend to create.
By the way, have I told you lately how much I hate lobbyists? I do, that’s why none of the ones I’ve asked to join my administration hold positions that are likely to influence policy decisions… uh… except for the Attorney General, the Secretary of Agriculture, the Deputy Defense Secretary, the Deputy Health and Human Services Secretary, the Deputy Interior Secretary, the Treasury Secretary’s Chief of Staff, the Vice President’s Chief of Staff, the Deputy White House Chief of Staff, the Domestic Policy Council Director and the White House Director of Intergovernmental Affairs.
Hey, how much does our Supreme Court suck, huh? Did you know that they just ruled to allow evil corporations the right to voice their opinions of people like me in TV ads before elections? It’s true, and we definitely need to put the kibosh on that before the next election cycle begins.
It’s obvious that we’ve got a lot of work to do over the next few years to fix our nation’s problems, but I never said that if you elected me I’d usher in a new era of peace and harmony. All I said was that I’d stop the tides from rising and heal the planet, so don’t blame me if everything else I try to do ends in failure.
I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of all the obstruction and division in our government. We need to stop blocking everything people in the opposing party do just because we can… like when the Republicans tried to block Justice Sotomayor’s confirmation to the Supreme Court… you know, that judicial body I just publicly humiliated a moment ago. Err… both parties have to learn to quit bickering about everything, so I can get stuff done for the American people, whether they want me to or not.
Our national security is of utmost importance to me, that’s why one of the first things I did after taking office was to bring as many terrorists into our civilian court system as possible, and I appointed to the position of Attorney General a lawyer whose firm went out of its way to extend free legal council to Gitmo detainees. Also, only a few months after our commander in Afghanistan asked for more troops, I agreed to give him nearly half the soldiers he actually needs to accomplish his mission, and I did so while making sure our enemies know precisely when we intend to leave that country.
As for Iraq, I will be bringing all of our combat troops home this year, just like I promised on the campaign trail. Of course, if President Bush had taken my advice three years ago, they’d already be home by now. Yeah, they probably would have lost the war, but then Bush always was more comfortable using words like victory than I am.
As for North Korea and Iran advancing their nuclear arms programs, I want every American to know that I’m doing everything possible to convince their leaders that not doing that would be a much nicer way to behave.
And speaking of nice, lifting the ban on gays in the military would be a nice thing to do for them, so that’s what I’m proposing we enact into law as soon as possible.
You all know that I campaigned on the promise of change, and even though I knew that such change would not be easy to bring about, I was determined to try anyway. Well, you’ll be happy to know that I’m still determined to affect change in this country, even if it means ignoring the opinions of every single voter in America, because change brings hope, and hope brings more change… which brings even more hope… hope and change… happy, hopey, changity-change…
Who can argue with that?
Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.