State Department spokeswoman Marie Harf suggested that “we cannot kill our way to victory” against ISIS on MSNBC last night. This flies in the face of literally the entirety of human history, through which, time and again, we have seen people killing other people lead to victory in armed combat.
But her dorm-room philosophizing did get me thinking. What if Marie Harf had access to a time machine? How would she have solved the world’s military conflicts?
MARIE HARF AT THERMOPYLAE
“This is where we hold them! This is where we discover the root causes for their anger at the western world! This is where we alleviate their poverty and increase their standard of living, thus reducing their desire to wage jihad!”
ADVICE GIVEN TO ALEXANDER OF MACEDON BY MARIE HARF
“There is nothing impossible to him who will try to reduce the impoverishment of those in other corners of the world.”
MARC ANTONY, AFTER DISCUSSING A FORTHCOMING BATTLE WITH MARIE HARF
“Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of equitable employment opportunities.”
MARIE HARF’S DRAFT OF THE LETTER JULIUS CEASAR DELIVERED TO THE ROMAN SENATE
“I came, I saw, I provided significant social welfare benefits and jobs for the Gauls.”
MARIE HARF TOLD NAPOLEON NOT TO HALF-ASS IT
“When you set out to take Vienna, take Vienna. But first, consider providing the Viennese with employment opportunities so as to lessen their agitation and mitigate the need for taking it at all.”
SUGGESTED LANGUAGE FOR GEN. WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN PROVIDED BY MARIE HARF
“This war differs from other wars. We are not fighting armies but a hostile people, and must make old and young, rich and poor alike fat with material wealth in order to gain their support.”
MARIE HARF TELLS CHURCHILL HOW TO RALLY THE BRITISH PEOPLE
“We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall give the Germans vacations on our beaches, we shall give them jobs in our landing grounds, we shall provide them with opportunities to work in our fields and in our streets, we shall give them places to live in the hills. We shall never surrender our commitment to the improvement of life for all!”
GEN. GEORGE S. PATTON’S ADVISER MARIE HARF ON HOW TO WIN WAR
“No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by curing poverty in the other poor dumb bastard’s country!”
(A mighty thanks to Andrew Stiles for help with the images.)
Brian Williams taking RPG fire? Saving puppies from fires? Getting the squirts from ingesting storm water during Katrina? Bitch please. When it comes to exciting living, look at my record. I mean being the only survivor at Little Big Horn, thanks to my having a handy Apache helicopter, and bedding Salma Hayek, AND Halle Berry at the same time? Yeah, top those feats Williams!
Or how about the time I beat Michael Jordan in one-on-one? Or the times Urban Meyer asked me to lay out the game plans when my Gators beat Ohio State and Oklahoma to win National Championships? Let’s see Brian Williams do that! Then there was that time I saved kids at a burning orphanage AND the Budweiser Clydesdales from a nuclear attack by ISIS all in one damn night! What ya got now Brian Williams? POSER!